25 October 2011
This year, with Breast Cancer Awareness Month underway, I am starting to feel the same way. The entire city seems adorned with pink, from shopping centers to funeral homes. There was a time that I loved purchasing merchandise with that pink loop. My mother is a breast cancer survivor. She was only 41 when she was diagnosed with stage 4B breast cancer. When I tell that to doctors, they look at me like I've got an expiration date stamped on my forehead. That, together with my first lump scare at age 28, has had me going in for a breast smash annually for ten years now. And still, I'm getting tired of seeing the town painted pink.
Maybe it has to do with the commercialization of breast cancer. A few days ago, I passed a Rue 21 store with the display window full of ribbon-adorned shirts that had more to do with breasts than cancer. What percentage of this junk actually goes toward finding a cure? Or perhaps providing aid to the victims of this disease who are poor and lack health insurance? Saving ta-tas is nice, but saving lives is much, much better.
I think, though, that my frustration has more to do with the invisibility of the other symbol for this month. October is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The month is almost over, and I've yet to see a single purple ribbon (much less a 10-foot-high one mounted in front of a shopping mall). I've seen no races, no marches, and no men, women, or children cheerfully declaring their status as survivors. The only acknowledgement that I've seen was a spoken word performance at the church my family attends in Birmingham (and I'm deeply grateful for the prophetic ministry of East Lake UMC).
Long before my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, she was involved in a physically abusive relationship. I saw and heard the abuse on more than one occasion. I have a distinct memory of being about 5-years-old and throwing myself between my mother and her abuser, yelling at him, "Don't you hit my mommy!" But I was well into my 30s before I thought of it as domestic violence. My mother was not a passive victim. She fought back. She called the police. And when she was overpowered, she grabbed whatever she could to defend herself. She was nothing like those women on Lifetime movies, who cowered and hid behind sunglasses. So for years, I simply did not recognize her victimhood, even as I was a passionate advocate on behalf of women's issues.
Domestic violence is one of those things we don't like to talk about. Few people are eager to claim their status as victims or perpetrators. And even though 1 in every 4 women in the United States experiences domestic violence during her lifetime, those experiences often go unnamed as such. This is especially the case in the African American community. Growing up, I often heard African Americans dismiss domestic violence as a white issue: "No sistah is gonna let a man beat her. Black women are too STRONG to be victims. They fight back!" Collectively, we liked to pretend that a woman's attempt to defend herself against violence actually nullified the existence of that violence, even though the perpetrator was usually larger and stronger. We allowed ourselves to believe the lie that Black women are less likely to be victims of abuse than women of other races, when in fact, approximately 29 percent of Black women have suffered violence at the hands of a romantic partner. We hid our heads in the sand while Black women, who comprise only 8 percent of the U.S. population, accounted for 22 percent of all intimate partner homicide victims.
If those of us who are survivors remain silent, how can we ever expect those who are still victims to find their voices? It's time to end our silence. Let's paint the town purple!
19 October 2011
This morning, though, my haven keeps getting interrupted. Every few minutes, a young man dressed in a sports store uniform, pops in with his cell phone to his ear. A longtime lover of library silence, I'm impressed that he is respectful enough of the patrons in the main space to take his phone conversations elsewhere. I just wish that "elsewhere" was somewhere else. Doesn't he see me working?!
Cell phone conversations are loud, even when people think they're speaking quietly. So it didn't take long for me to get a sense of what was going on. He was being called repeatedly by his job. More than three hours before his shift was supposed to start (like I said, cell phone conversations are loud), his co-workers were tracking him down, asking him when he was coming to the store. By the fifth call, he walked straight through the café to the courtyard. Even with the doors closed, I could hear him giving instructions to someone. By that point, my frustration with the noise had turned into sympathy for this man, who couldn't enjoy his morning off without constant interruptions.
I couldn't help but think of a few of my friends in ministry. I have been to a few ministry retreats and conferences this year where I've watched colleagues who could not get away from issues back home. Every few minutes, they got a call, text, or email from someone who ostensibly needed their help. And every few minutes, they were responding. It was nearly impossible to have conversations with them without them pausing to take a call or answer a text. "Hold on, I need to respond to this" was the frequent refrain. Their busyness took on a manic element as they rushed from task to task.
If it were just conversations with me that were being interrupted, I wouldn't be bothered. But I knew that their addiction to busyness was all-encompassing. It impacted their health and their relationships. Is it ironic that it happened most, actually always, with African American men and women? Probably not. My guess is that it's the StrongBlackWoman/StrongBlackMan thing rearing its head. Layer that with Christianity's emphasis upon "bearing the cross" and you've got a full-scale case of ministry overload and eventual burnout.
A few months ago, my husband and I imposed a blackout period on electronic devices in our household, a two-hour evening time slot in which we would not utilize our cell phones or computers. Miraculously, it was doable. The world didn't come to an end. Our lives did not turn upside down. Instead, we had two hours each evening when we read, talked, or played games rather than checking Facebook and playing Angry Birds. Over the past few weeks, though, there's been a gradual erosion in our observance of the blackout. It probably began around the time of a deadline when I "just had" to work on something for a few hours. It's a slippery slope. I better scramble back up before I fall too far. I encourage you to do the same. Make a commitment to "unplug" for part of your day - even if it's only one hour. And for that hour, be present to the world in other ways. Spend time with your partner. Play with your kids. Read a book. Take a long, hot soak in the tub. And trust that God is in control of everything else.